I love autumn. I don’t think that’s earth-shattering on any level — it would seem everyone has a certain draw to the shift into fall. A crisp breeze, pumpkin flavored everything everywhere, and cuddling up into the covers a little tighter after a day spent crunching through the leaves all set my heart a-singing in ways that the changing into any other season can’t seem to duplicate.

autumn leaves on the ground

Unfortunately, I’ve been getting gradually worse spirits-wise over the past few weeks. A part of me wants to blame it on the colder weather, but I don’t quite think that’s fair to autumn. I find myself exhibiting the clearest signs of my worst depressions — flipping the switch to a bristly, icy coolness after something that would previously cause only the tiniest bit of aggravation; an unparalleled sense of selfishness; being moved to tears at the slightest gesture of sentimentality on TV or around town. Come to think of it, I suppose I’m kind of like random housewife X on any of the Real Housewives series… so at least there’s that going for me.

The lesson I’ve learned so far is to take in the moments where I’m able to slow things down a bit. Yesterday, while riding down the highway with my brother, I rolled down the window, rested my head on the door, and let the icy air pummel my face. It was painful, it was beautiful, it was cathartic. I go to sleep now with the sounds of rain and thunder. I need to bring myself back to the elements, back to nature in ways I thought I had lost the time for long ago. I feel as though I’m at ‘that age’ (which in reality is a number of years) where I’m struggling to find my ground as a not-quite-child, not-quite-adult in the world. I’m no longer someone’s baby, and I’m no one’s mother yet — it’s the chunk of my life for which I should be the most excited, and yet I find it to be the absolute most frightening. Right now, I’m doing what I’ve always been afraid of: I’m living for me. I’m finding me. What do I do when I choose the wrong version of myself to pursue? What do I do if a temporary misstep turns into the rest of my life? I’m trying to do my best to savor the short-term pleasures, but as someone who craves stability and permanence, it’s one of my more difficult goals.

vogue article working women in fashion

image via vogue

I’ve been lucky lately with friends. My friends are happy right now, and that makes me smile. It’s a nice reminder to see how much love and joy there is in the world. Old friends are coming out of the woodwork, we’re making coffee dates, we’re catching up — and truthfully, I think that’s the best compliment in the entire world, having someone to reach out to you as if to say “Hey, I still think about you.” It warms my heart, and it makes these autumn days a little sweeter.

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One Response to autumn blues.

  1. Pam Goode says:

    This is such a beautifully written post, and fabulously accented by your choice of photographs. I wish you peace and joy and an open heart.

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